Anger occurs when we get something we don’t want or value. When it comes to pregnancy loss, we are often quick to dismiss anger and bury it deep within. Like all emotions, anger must be expressed completely before we can let it go. Our objective is to release it all so that we can access any sadness, which may be hidden underneath. Many women who experience pregnancy loss naturally gravitate towards sadness because it seems more acceptable or understandable than anger. However, if the anger is present (though perhaps hidden) it won’t matter how much sadness we release – we will not heal until the anger is expressed too.
Physically, anger resides in the gut and can also show up as tightness in the back of the neck and shoulders, headaches, clenched jaws, grinding teeth and inappropriate outbursts.
As we revisit our experience, we need to identify where in our body we are feeling the emotion. This serves to confirm whether the emotion is likely to be anger.
Since our healing is in the expression of the feeling, we need to create situations where we feel safe to express anger. As children, many of us were taught that displays of anger were not nice and in our attempts to be good boys and girls we learned to hide it well. This does not serve us as adults, so we need to find ways to express anger until we are spent, having emptied our anger ‘storage facility’ in the process.
Try beating up a pillow or punching bag, smashing plates (although this does require significant clean up and can get expensive!), screaming underwater, or even chopping wood. Choose something that does not involve hurting anyone else – this is called expressing anger ‘cleanly’. Yelling at someone who cuts you off in traffic will not help.
The most important thing to remember when expressing anger is the vocal component. Just punching something isn’t enough, we need to yell and scream. If you live in the city, this can be tricky, but there are ways around it – just get creative and find what works for you.
Until next time
Helen
