The emotional response to the loss of a baby during pregnancy is tough to predict.
People who experience a similar pregnancy loss can respond completely differently.
This can leave us questioning our own responses after comparing them to others.
Family Learned Responses – Followers and Rebels
Reasons Why The Response to a Miscarriage May Be Different From Family to Family
We are all different, and for the sake of greater understanding, it is helpful to know a few of the reasons that may affect the way we respond to our loss.
Family patterns can be an influencing factor in determining how we respond to situations. We choose these patterns either because our parents have them and we want to be like them, or we choose the reverse because we are rebelling against them. We can also pick patterns up unconsciously.
It is quite possible that three children from the same family environment could have very different emotional responses to a similar loss.
Different Life Experiences – Different Responses and Solutions
Our own life experiences also help to establish our individual patterns. Previous challenges we have encountered leave an imprint on our memories and we can behave emotionally based on our history.
Falling Back to What Has Worked Before
After all, if we feel that something has worked for us at one time we are likely to stick with it when a similar situation arises.
Past Judgements Have A Long Reach And Can Unconsiously Effect Our Response Today
When any event occurs in our lives, it is the decision that we make about ourselves as a result of that event that has a long-term effect.
The conclusions we have come to about ourselves in the past have a significant effect on our emotional responses in the present.
The emotional response of someone who decided, “I am not good enough”, would be quite different to the response of someone who decided, “I never get what I want”; one resulting in greater sadness and the other anger.
These decisions are usually subconscious and, until identified, can control our emotional responses to life and all that it throws at us, often to our detriment.
The Tyranny of “Should”
We can also be influenced by how we think we ‘should’ be responding, whether from our own experiences or the opinions of others.
This logical approach to grieving for our babies doesn’t do us a great deal of service and can in fact serve to lengthen the grieving process.
It doesn’t matter if what we are feeling makes sense or not – the emotion is there and needs to be expressed before it can be released.
It is Okay to Grieve
Many of us look for permission to grieve in these situations, when we don’t need permission at all!
What we need is to express our heartfelt emotions in a safe environment free from the fear of judgement.
In my next post I will discuss the importance of emotional exploration.
Until next time
Helen
