What is Shame?

Shame and guilt often walk hand in hand. The difference is that shame can bury itself far deeper, and is much more poisonous. Where guilt is a feeling about something we have done, shame is the conclusion we come to about ourselves as a result of that act. Guilt is the feeling that we have done something bad, while shame is the feeling that we are bad. We find ourselves thinking things like, “I must be a horrible person if I am capable of that”. Shame is not a feeling about an act, but about ourselves, and is far more permanent. It is us brutally inflicting the judgment that we so fear from others upon ourselves. The result is almost always feelings of unworthiness.

Shame also affects our behaviour more than guilt, because it closes us down to experiences that could lead us to revisit our shame or be shamed again. Shame is the next step along the same path as guilt, but where guilt can have its purpose, shame is unhealthy and will often prevent us from living a full and healthy life.

Shame in Pregnancy Loss

An underlying feeling that our babies died because we are ‘not good enough’ to be mothers can cause us to feel shame in pregnancy loss. It can also show up as embarrassment surrounding our actions or inactions during the process and particularly around the experience itself. This often leads us to withhold information about what happened for fear of being judged by others in the same way that we are judging ourselves.

Shame, like guilt, tends to be a lasting state rather than a transitory emotion. Where other emotions come and go, shame stays with us and undermines our confidence and ability to live fully. As with guilt, it is the unresolved, prolonged shame that becomes harmful to our healing.

The only way to address shame is to truly understand that what has happened is not because of who we are. We are no more or less because of our loss – we are the same person, just with some additional life experience. Whether the loss happens unexpectedly for unknown reasons or because of genetic issues, we must reach a place where we fully understand that it was not within our control. When tough decisions have been put before us, we must understand that we have been forced to choose between two unappealing options and we have made the best possible decision under the circumstances. Only when we reach this place of understanding can we take action and express any of the underlying sadness that perpetuates shame.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

With advances in prenatal care, especially ultrasound imaging, loss of pregnancy has become more meaningful at an earlier stage for fathers as well as mothers. In many cases, the grieving USA: National Institute Mental Health. process can be different for men and women.

Traumatic events like pregnancy loss can put extreme pressure on our primary relationships. The different reactions we all have to such intense emotional turmoil can clash with one another. The result is that we are both struggling, but are in totally different spaces and find it difficult to be there for one another. Things can take a turn for the worse when one person feels hurt or angry that the other has not been present to their needs. The added strain in an already overwhelming situation can take a stable, loving relationship (the one thing we probably need most right now) and make it volatile.

This volatility is obviously not going to help. We must reach within ourselves, find the deep, unconditional love we feel for our partners and bring it to the surface so that we can lean on it when we feel frustrated or unable to connect.

Generally, women are more expressive about their loss, more outwardly emotional and more likely to look for support from others. Since society expects men to be strong and unemotional, they often grieve in more solitary ways. Men also tend to be more oriented towards fact gathering and problem solving, and may therefore not choose to participate in support networks that are oriented toward talking and feeling. While women usually cry and dwell on their memories of the baby, men most often express their grief by burying themselves in their work. Keep in mind that because grieving is such an individual experience, the opposite may also be true.

Women and men also experience different levels of bonding with a baby in utero. The bond between a pregnant woman and the baby growing inside her is unique. Generally, it becomes more intense as the pregnancy progresses. For the father, the baby may seem less ‘real’ until he experiences physical signs of the baby like seeing an ultrasound picture or feeling the baby kick. Sometimes a father’s bonding may not develop until after the baby is born. For this reason, men can seem less affected when the loss of the baby occurs early in pregnancy.

These differences in style can easily be misinterpreted. As women, when our partner doesn’t appear to be as upset as us, we can feel that he doesn’t care as much. As a man, on the other hand, you may feel that your partner will never get over her mourning. It’s important to remember that how a person behaves is not always a true indicator of his or her inner feelings.

The best thing we can do to help our relationships survive is to communicate openly and honestly about how we feel. We need to be more caring about each other’s feelings and do our utmost to cater to our partner’s needs. Accepting our differences and acknowledging each other’s pain together with assuring one another of our commitment to our relationship helps to strengthen the bond we share.

It is in our primary relationship that our need for emotional maturity and healing will become most apparent. If we are to grow together rather than apart as a result of our loss – there is simply no other option than to communicate wholeheartedly with one another every step of the way.

Take care until next time

Helen

Survivor guilt is the feeling of guilt we get when we have survived something that someone else hasn’t. Generally, we think of survivor guilt relating to a major disaster such as an earthquake or plane crash, but survivor guilt is not exclusive to this type of tragedy.

Survivor guilt can be experienced within the realm of pregnancy loss when we feel that our experiences have been easier or less traumatic than those of others. As always, we have a tendency to compare the extent of our pain and suffering with others who have had a similar experience. Human nature dictates that we down play our feelings if we think that someone else is ‘worse off’ than us. When it comes to pregnancy loss, many people consider a late loss more traumatic than an early loss, but we all know that this isn’t the case. The extent of any loss can only be determined by the person who experienced it. Each loss stands alone in terms of its impact on us and we are entitled to move through the recovery process in our own way. How others handle their own loss is not our responsibility.

Mothers, in particular, can experience the feelings of survivor guilt because we have survived when our babies haven’t. The best way to work through these feelings is to follow the emotional healing process. It’s important to challenge any irrational thoughts we are having about the event or our response to it. There is nothing wrong with surviving and making the most of our lives.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

Guilt, quite simply, is unresolved anger that we have turned inward against ourselves. It is usually related to something that we have or haven’t done. Guilt can also feel like shame and denial and leaves us restricted mentally, emotionally and often physically.

Guilt can also lead us to bury our fears and secret beliefs about our actions deeper inside for fear of being found out. Ultimately, when left to fester, guilt progresses to shame and eventually results in feelings of unworthiness. Guilt can be healthy to a certain degree. Genuine guilt is an emotional response from our conscience that enables us to stay true to our values or return to behaving in a manner consistent with our beliefs and principles. There is clearly a place in our lives for guilt in terms of keeping us on track. The problems arise when we cannot forgive ourselves and let go.

Guilt in Pregnancy Loss

Guilt in pregnancy loss can come from perceived action or inaction at any part of the process, as early as pre-conception. We are bombarded by articles and television advertising about pre and post-conception care: “Take this vitamin at least three months before”, “eat this”, “don’t do that”. All of these mixed messages that can easily drive us to the point of frustration. It is easy to see why we can feel overwhelmed and then turn on ourselves when things don’t work out as we had hoped.

Throughout pregnancy the messages keep coming, regardless of whether they are welcome. Our own expectations grow with every piece of knowledge we gain. As a result, the height from which we will fall in the event of something detrimental happening to our babies becomes greater.

The guilt associated with pregnancy loss doesn’t stop just because the physicality of the loss has passed. The decisions we are forced to make in the moment (“Should we name the baby?” or “Should I see and hold the baby?”) all lend themselves to being judged and second guessed in later weeks, months and years. With all of the varying responsibilities, and the decisions that we are asked to make, there is a high probability that we will do (or not do) something that we will later feel some level of guilt about. The challenge with such a tragic event is that we are confronted with a range of unappealing options and we have to choose anyway. Regardless of which decision we make, there will be an element of associated guilt or regret. The question then becomes not whether we experience guilt or not, but how we live with our decision.

The difference between guilt and other emotions is that guilt is not usually transitory. While anger and sadness come and go as we recall the events that caused them, guilt is with us constantly. Over time guilt becomes less noticeable – even though it is gradually eating at us. Feeling guilty is not bad, but prolonged, unresolved guilt becomes harmful to our healing. The only way to address guilt is to first acknowledge that it is there. This can be a challenge because it doesn’t show itself as obviously as the others types of anger.

Once we explore the event that resulted in guilt and confirm that there was no action we could have taken to change the outcome with the information that we had at that time, we can express the underlying anger that perpetuates it and start to let go.

Take care until next time

Helen

Although there are several different models of grief, the most commonly accepted version has five stages. These five stages look different on all of us, but there are always five – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.[1]

After a loss, not everyone goes through the stages of grief in the same way. We can’t be forced into the next stage before we are ready – we have to go at our own pace. We may go one step forward then take two steps backward, and this is all part of the process. As always, this is individual.

In the first stage, denial, we often act as if everything is still as we wanted it to be. There is often little emotion and no crying. We don’t even accept or acknowledge our loss. Sometimes this stage will last only a moment, and for others it may last for quite some time.

During the anger stage we experience feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with the medical professionals or ourselves. Our partners can trigger anger when they remind us of the lost baby. We may even secretly believe that they blame us for the loss. The anger can be directed at anyone or anything but it will be there.

Although bargaining may seem strange, it is something that a lot of us do. When we realise that we can’t get our baby back we may start to negotiate with our higher source or ourselves by promising that we will do better or be better if we can just get pregnant again. This is quite natural and is just a part of the process.

Depression brings with it overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness and self-pity. We mourn the loss of the baby as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. We can feel a lack of control and numbness. Although depression is one of the stages of grief, it tends to come and go throughout the whole grieving process. Generally, if we are past anger, depression will start to fade too. Prolonged depression can lead to suicidal tendencies and the assistance of a professional may be required.

Finally, we move into acceptance, which is the final stage of grief. It is important to note the difference between resignation and acceptance. We have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. At this point we come to understand that life will never be the same, but we see hope and meaning in the future. This can be the hardest stage of the process for people who mistake acceptance for forgetting. Acceptance is not about forgetting our baby, but rather coming to terms with the loss and getting on with life. It is about allowing the wounds to heal for the sake of our health, our relationships and our current or future children.

Each stage of grief takes different periods of time to work through for each of us. To feel pain after loss is normal – it is a part of being human. As always, it is important to find our own path in our own time.

Take care until next time

Helen

Because pregnancy loss is not always seen as a ‘legitimate’ loss, parents often receive little or no assistance, especially in isolated areas where support services are not readily available.

As human beings moving through a grieving process, we naturally look for the care and attention of others. We crave contact with people who can accept and respect our feelings and demonstrate genuine concern for our welfare.

Usually, in order to find comfort we need the support of at least one other person. This can be difficult if no one else knows about the loss, or we don’t feel comfortable sharing or asking for help. Some of us like to put up a brave front and appear outwardly strong, or like to grieve privately, but these behaviours only serve to deny us the things we need most. Seeking comfort after a hurt is both a natural and rational thing to do. We need to challenge our usual behaviours, take a deep breath and put ourselves on the path to healing.

The whole experience of giving and receiving comfort binds people together. Family members who have supported each other through a difficult loss or members of a support group who have helped each other through a shared experience often find their sense of loyalty and commitment to each other strengthened.

Identifying ways to source connection and comfort (and then using them) is the next step on our journey. There are many ways to seek comfort, and we each need to identify what works best for us.

Finding support and comfort will be different for each of us. What matters is that we don’t forgo this step because we get caught up in life. Instead, we need to give it the time and effort it deserves and recognise it as an important step in the healing process. Finding comfort and support now is absolutely essential if we are to find peace and joy in the future.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

Some women are uncomfortable about grieving for an early pregnancy loss because they have only known about the baby for a few days or weeks and have often never seen it. These feelings are often supported by comments like “at least you weren’t very far along” and “you’re lucky you didn’t have a chance to get attached to it”, leaving us confused about how we should or shouldn’t feel.

Every experience of pregnancy loss is unique and the way we each experience grief can also be unique. What is consistent is that we all grieve and our grief tends to flow in a pattern. The length of time we spend in grief and at each stage of grief differs. This is very personal, and there is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve.

In 1988, Osterweis and Townsend conducted specific research on adult grief and discovered a number of interesting things. First, they found that the bereavement process is long, much longer than most people consider. In fact, some people find that the second year of grief is more difficult than the first. For many people, the grief process may take several years.

Second, they found that the adult bereavement process does not necessarily progress in an orderly fashion and that the individual variation in grief is substantial. People vary in terms of how quickly they are able to recover from both the loss and the issues that are a part of their grief. They also have different resources to draw on and this affects the speed of resolution.

Osterweis and Townsend also found that many emotions and behaviours that might be judged abnormal under other circumstances are common following loss. They concluded that it is inappropriate to judge the bereaved by ‘normal’ standards, as their life is not normal after a loss. Finally, Osterweis and Townsend noted that reactions are common on the anniversary of the loss and during family celebrations like Christmas.6[1]

To complicate matters further, parents who experience pregnancy loss are often experiencing disenfranchised grief, which can result from the ambiguous loss discussed in an earlier post. This usually occurs when there is little social recognition or where the loss has been hidden from others. People in this situation can experience a more complicated grief process and more intense emotional reactions. Disenfranchised grief often results in poor or delayed emotional expression and the absence of mourning rituals. Disenfranchised grief may lay hidden for years, only to be triggered by later losses.

Grief is an essential part of our healing so grieve to the level that you need to.

Take care until next time

Helen

With pregnancy loss, unlike other deaths, it can be hard for a family member or friend to understand what exactly has been lost. Confusion over what has been lost is often referred to as ‘ambiguous loss’, which simply means that it is a loss that people are unsure of, it is hidden, secret or perhaps not socially recognised[1]. There may also be a question in some people’s minds as to whether or not a loss has actually occurred. Responses from each individual will be different and influenced by their own experiences and connection with us and our pregnancy.

There are other types of losses that have a similar level of ambiguity, like losing a symbol of femininity such as a breast during cancer treatment or experiencing infertility when we desperately want children. Even losing an ageing parent to a disease like Alzheimer’s – where their body is still present but we grieve for the spirit of the person that we love as we watch them slip away. Each of these situations can leave us with the feeling that we have lost something of importance to us, but it isn’t as tangible as the standard accepted ‘loss’ from the death of a living human being.

Those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss can also feel this level of confusion and may begin to question whether we have sustained a genuine loss, since it is not a loss that receives a high degree of social validation. This feeling is more common with first trimester losses. If we lose an infant, people will respond with flowers, cards and condolences – but if we lose a baby in utero they probably won’t. Some people may not consider that there has been a loss, while others think such a loss is not significant enough to warrant their attention. This can leave us feeling more than just a little confused with how we ‘should’ feel.

During this time it is critical that we acknowledge the extent of the loss to ourselves – it is a significant loss and we are entitled to enter a grieving process as a result of this type of loss.  Validation is an important part of our healing.

Take Care until next time

Helen

As well as feeling our own pain when a loved one dies, we may need to help our other children manage the pain and bewilderment of the loss of a potential brother or sister. It is tempting to try to shield them from the pain of loss by excluding them from the experience, but while this comes from good intentions, it may actually do more harm than good. It is important that children are included in the process and are treated with care and honesty. Keeping children away from the loss is robbing them of the opportunity to understand death and the precious memories it brings. Excluding them can cause lasting confusion, hurt and resentment.

Like adults, children need to say goodbye to someone special and have a sense of completion. Just like us, they can only do this when they have the opportunity to be involved. When they can honour the special person and the relationship they shared and express their feelings of loss and grief it helps start the healing process, allowing them to adjust to the feelings brought about by the loss. Of course, for younger children, their awareness of the loss and their ability to express their feelings will depend on their age and stage of development. Even small children can understand and share pain. Our explanations need to be simple and age appropriate.

Most children will ask questions if they know that there has been a loss and it is important that we attempt to answer them as honestly as possible – no matter how hard this is for us. Otherwise, they can get caught up in their own imagination, making the situation worse than it actually is. Their strength, awareness and understanding is often much greater than we give them credit for.

Take care until next time

Helen

With any pregnancy loss even the closest of friends can struggle to know what to say and know whether to bring up what has happened or not. Because of their lack of understanding, we are often forced to listen to well-meaning (but unwanted) advice and encouragement like:

“At least it was early before you got too attached.”

“At least you know you can get pregnant.”

“You can try again soon.”

“At least you already have one at home.”

“It was nature’s way.”

“It happens a lot.”

The comments may come with good intentions, but they do nothing to validate the grief we feel. There is rarely any acknowledgement of what is now gone – a precious and much wanted baby.

It would be remiss not to acknowledge that many friends and family members respond in a way that leaves us feeling loved and truly respected.

Plenty of people have shared with me the amazing support and kindness that they have received from loved ones, and even from those they didn’t imagine would provide that level of care and support.

In the darkest times we can be uplifted by the person we least expected and this in a way rebuilds our faith in the human spirit.

As time passes there is often an expectation from others that our grief and sadness will too. This isn’t always the case. Grief comes in its own time and way for everyone. The worst part of grief is that we often can’t control it. The best we can do is to let ourselves feel it and let it go when we can. We must do this with the knowledge that the very minute we think we are okay, it will rear its head again and take our breath away.

Those around us can become less tolerant and forgiving as time passes and sometimes the responses we expect from people change. What was once support can become impatience and a lack of sensitivity as time goes by. The best we can do is be honest with

ourselves and others and continue to be true to our feelings.

“She should really be over that by now” is a common opinion expressed by those who are bewildered by the complexity of our grief. What they may not understand is that there is no set time to get to a certain place in our journey. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different for each of us.

When a friend or family member says or does something that is unwelcome, we have a choice. We can either allow the moment to pass without addressing the point of difference or we can express how we feel. One of these actions will almost always result in rupture. If we choose not to share how we feel either immediately or soon afterward, the resentment and frustration will begin to undermine the stability and trust that previously existed.

It may seem unreasonable to be expected to repair a damaged bond when we are feeling so consumed in our own pain. The obvious way to avoid this is to not allow the relationship to rupture in the first place, which means we must be honest about any reactions we have to anything that is said and done.

If a friend passes one of the standard comments in their attempts to console us, it may be best to express that we know they are trying to help but that type of comment isn’t something we can relate to. It would be helpful to them if we share how we are feeling and what type of support would work for us. This may be challenging to put into words, but if we don’t then we are simply leaving them in a struggle to find the ‘right’ things to say and we’ll inevitably feel hurt when they get it wrong.

If the relationship is important enough to us, we can have this conversation at any point, even months after the event. It may come as a surprise to our friend, but if we give it context by explaining that we are doing it because we care and we want to have a good relationship without resentment, it may be very well received.

It is important to acknowledge that while we may be going through a difficult time, experiencing loss (or any kind of challenging experience) doesn’t absolve us of our responsibility to foster our relationships.

Take care until next time

Helen